the fog

i'm walking through life in a blissful fog right now. lexapro is doing wonders for me, and it apparently hasn't even kicked in fully yet (according to the doc.) but this isn't a long-winded pitch about america's favorite addiction, oh no; this is me squeezing out the last bits of fear i have in me before they get lost in the fog and i am forever a different man.

there's a lingering, nagging voice in the back of my head right now. that voice of paranoid, fearful logic that is clinging to the notion that who i am is getting lost in who i'm hiding behind. i'm terrified of what these pills are going to do to me once they kick into high gear. i've become apathetic about sociality, my work ethic has plummeted even further if you can believe it, and i've generally become a grey blob of contentedness. and tantamount to that transformation, i'm okay with it most of the time. i said to myself yesterday while i was walking around, "i'm so happy that my mind isn't racing like usual anymore." but is that truly a good thing? am i actually losing what made me 'special,' what made me like myself in some small but wholly important way, to the drug-addled ideal of american youth that i'm shoving down my throat every morning?

and now i find myself troubled for the first time in weeks. staring blankly at my computer screen as my mind putters along, trying to regain the pace it once kept. is this really what i want? or am i being fooled and conditioned by the artificial synapses firing in my brain? i don't even feel comfortable asking such things now, because i'm not the same person whose answer i seek now. i feel like i should be asking a different question...

what would lucio want?